The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize