oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
