I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
