Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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