It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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