Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
