Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
