Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
