Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
