I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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