I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
