Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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