i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
