I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
