pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
