I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
