It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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