Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
