Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
