i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
