did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
