Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
