I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
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So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
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Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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