just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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