to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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