how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
