hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
