Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
