Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
