we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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