Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
