I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
