When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
