if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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