I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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