halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
