I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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