You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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