bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
