New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
