Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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