then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
