She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
