i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
