i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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