If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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