We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
