I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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