I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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