the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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