I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
