this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
