I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
