Reggie can tackle my bush.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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