when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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