When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
