some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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