finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
