no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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