I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
