I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
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Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
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Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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