I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
